Judgment: Part I

I have weaknesses. (Not that this is news to anyone.) Ask Bryant or my dad! I am an inconsistent mess when it comes to money management, I procrastinate and never truly do my best on projects (lesson plans, etc.), and I judge. Judging in and of itself is not a flaw! (More on that later.) I absolutely believe human beings are created to judge (right from wrong, safe from dangerous, healthy from unhealthy, etc.), but when it becomes less than charitable or moves from the "sin" to the "sinner," it requires improvement.

Bear with me on a spiritual journey.

I read this "mom blog" post yesterday about why their family chooses to homeschool. She addressed the common myth of socialization, but rather than simply saying "We do all these things/My kids have friends and are not shy" and leaving it at that, she explained why they DON'T want their kids "'socialized' in public school." Her main theme was that different becomes bad ("weird"), and after those experiences, many kids (and adults) live their lives feeling like they have to prove something to the bullies. That resonated very deeply for me. Like many, I had an awful middle school experience. I went to a school where sports were cool and 11-year-olds had "boyfriends." Needless to say, I wasn't involved in any of that. I did dance classes, choir, and Scholar's Bowl and loved going to church camp. And that was how you spelled L-O-S-E-R. My parents did a great job convincing me I was beautiful, smart, and musically talented, but the school atmosphere taught me that it was better to be cute/hot, "cool," and athletic.*

I had a great high school experience. My parents allowed me to choose to go to Bishop Carroll (where I knew a handful of people), and after the first rough weeks of transition, I never looked back. I found people who were interested in some of the things I was interested in (Liturgy Club, choir, etc.) who seemed to like me. It's been a healing process, for sure. I spent years and years secretly wondering if the people who hung out with me really liked me, or if they just put up with me because they had to.

Even now, it's hard for me to think of people I went to middle school with (and more than a few high school classmates) positively. Typically, it's an "Oh, I hope she's changed" or "Ha, I'm married and graduated and they're not." Yes, I understand those are terrible things to think, and I usually feel bad and consider that their paths to holiness are different than mine and try not to be such a... mean-hearted woman. The point is, we're all wounded.

And this is why I judge. My whole life I've had to fight for people to understand that different is okay. That my interests have value. And now, since I'm far from mainstream in my parenting choices, that my decisions are sound. I still have that voice in my head saying "You're not doing what everyone else is doing; you're not like them, so you're different. And different is wrong. Different is bad." I've always had to fight, sometimes other people and their impressions, and sometimes the voice in my head, for "weird" to be "okay."

In the most recent examples, I've heartily researched our parenting decisions. I've researched until I decided there was no better way for us to do the things we are doing. I want people's approval (which I didn't get in middle school), so I think that means they need to make the same choices as me. I'm afraid if we're not "the same," they won't like me.

I know this is somewhat illogical. But it's why, if I'm sharing or explaining something I know is not "normal," I'm already subconsciously defensive. Because I care about you and I want us to be on the same team.

To be continued...

(Aren't you curious where this was going? Me, too. I started it months ago and can't really remember what the conclusion was supposed to be. Any suggestions?)



*I don't EVER want Josh to feel that way. I want him to know that it's AWESOME that God created him to be such a unique blend of baseball/violin/patience/history or tap dancing/math/public speaking/bike riding or whatever he ends up interested in, and that those things are what will make him holy and happy in life. This will, certainly, play into our school decision-making when the time comes.

Dear Hunter Hayes, You suck.

I'm sorry, Hunter; really it's not your fault. You're just internalizing and regurgitating the fluffiness our society has fed you. If you haven't heard his song "I Want Crazy," it's pretty catchy, but full of bad theology.

The song is about infatuation. I'm not against infatuation! It's a fun season, and, let's be honest, makes high school a little more bearable. What I have a problem with is that for so many infatuation is where it ends. Please, name for me a chick flick that doesn't end before the honeymoon's over. It ends with "Oh, my gosh, you're so wonderful, we're meant to be together, mush mush mush." Now, I love emotion and sappiness as much as the next girl (and probably cry about it more than the next girl), but it's NOTHING next to the love God expects of us.

I have a few single friends I've talked to lately about this. Sure, I "had my heart broken," but I've always felt I had (sometimes WAY deep down) a pretty good outlook on relationships. And I can tell you why.
As far back as I can remember, my dad would tell me to "save my heart for my husband." Introducing emotional chastity before it becomes an issue was incredibly healthy for me. He also told me (several times; he repeats himself, like most dads) about a girl he had dated before my mom with whom he still believed he could have had a happy marriage. How unromantic! For the longest time, I thought that was offensive to my mom. I understand now, but as little as I understood then, it helped develop my subconscious unbelief in "soul mates." I still don't believe you can marry the wrong person. You can definitely discern badly and marry someone who will make your life more difficult than necessary.

Here comes a lot of honesty. My relationship with Bryant began with me being pursued. It didn't start with me thinking, "Oh, he's so dreamy and cute blah blah blah" and wondering if he was ever going to call me. As a matter of fact, by society's standards, our "love story" was pretty boring. We were friends, he asked me (and my dad) if we could date. We got engaged, got married, had a baby... History! Like I said, my outlook on relationships, being as realistic as a blue girl can be, prepared me for a "boring" relationship.

It's never felt boring, BUT it's very rarely felt like a pop song or a chick flick. I've heard of those being called "porn for girls," and I 100% agree with that! The picture of a relationship being dramatic and based on emotions and "romance" is NOT what girls today need, especially with people starting to date younger and younger.

Relationships should not be "crazy," as Hunter describes as desirable. Relationships should be based on a shared relationship with God and the potential spouses' families, and a mutual commitment to similar priorities and goals. And, of course, most of all, a desire for the other's holiness and eternal happiness (heaven). Early in life, girls should be influenced by the way their mother respects their father, and gives him respect even if he doesn't always deserve it. Young boys should be impressed by the love with which their fathers treat their mothers, giving an example of true masculinity the way God intended it: protecting and providing for their wives, physically AND emotionally. And, of course, vice versa. Marriage is the prime example of God's love for His people and Jesus' relationship with the Church; how much high-school relationship material do you see in those?

I guess what I'm saying is boring is exciting and holy. Crazy is temporary and unsatisfying. You get me?

Progress

I just want to take a moment to celebrate baby steps. (No, not literally; we've got a few months yet for that!) I went to the Farmers' Market and Dillons today and came home with hormone- and antibiotic-free beef and chicken, selectively organic produce, no bread products (because I'm making them at home), and just a handful of other items. This is a huge transformation from not too many months ago when we were buying frozen meals and canned goods (which I now try to make myself, as well). I'm just really proud of the work I've done to help my family be good stewards of our bodies. I know winter will make it more of a challenge, but I'm taking advantage of this moment to just be thankful.

Goals

I love everything about being a mom. Including the "I had something I wanted to write about the other day, but Josh started having more trouble with his teething so I totally forgot," and other excuses. But especially waking up from co-naps on warm days and just having that really good nap/cuddle feeling.
Oh! I think it was goals. Goals are what I was going to talk about.

It's crazy, how your productivity and outlook changes when you have a little person for whom you are solely (while Dad's at work) responsible. To be honest, I still have a lot of goals. I just don't really put them in unnecessary time frames anymore. I used to have this crazy organization in which I had a list of urgent and flexible to-dos, and sometimes specific times to do them, etc. Now, my main goal for the day is to drink enough water. Did you know people are supposed to drink half an ounce of water for every pound they weigh every day? And I'll tell you, that put me close to 100 oz. of water when I was pregnant. It's a lot, lot more than "they" say: "8 cups." (Well, unless you're my mom or my friend Angelica who actually weigh less than 120 lbs. In any case, I've been doing well on that these past couple days because I have a 33.8 oz smartwater bottle and I just tell myself I need to drink about three of them a day. (No, I don't still weigh 180-something; the extra is for nursing.) Isn't it interesting how one tiny thing can make a big difference? The water has been one of my goals, gosh, for several years now. It was a New Year's resolution, then more recently a pregnancy thing, and now a nursing thing. But maybe I've actually got the hang of it now? We'll see.

Other than that, my goal is to serve my husband and raise a holy child (or twelve).Some days that means having a nice dinner started by the time Bryant gets home, and some days it just means feeding a baby off and on for the whole afternoon. Yesterday and today I've been able to do both of those! However, I have not been to the store for over two and a half weeks...

This could be one of those blog posts that goes on and on. I don't even remember when I started it, but it'd definitely been a draft for more than just a couple weeks.

In other news, I'm eating leftover shrimp that I just microwaved. Keeping it classy, yo.

So since this post apparently had a point earlier, I'll get back to it. I came across something somebody posted a couple days ago that said (lots of good things, but this is what I remember) "Change one thing a week." I'm applying it to my whole "eating organically/living sustainably" shift. Sure, I want grain-fed meat and real, true sugar and a lot less gluten and cloth napkins, "un-paper" towels, wipes, etc... but I sure can't do it all in one day! There are 52 weeks in a year; imagine your life if you changed 52 things by next fall! And, of course, the same applies to virtue. In high school, I was in a group called the "Handmaids of Mary" and we tried to work on one virtue per week. I skimmed over a quote last night from a saint who said something that translated to me as meaning "The worst way to grow in virtue is in a hurry." The "God, I wanted to be perfect yesterday!" mentality, if you will. So, here goes.

Virtue of the Week: Hospitality. I want Bryant to look forward to coming home even more than he does. I will try to greet him with a kiss and a smile, no matter what else has been going on that day, and save the negativity for at least an hour (negativity= challenges of the day, criticisms, things to do, etc.). If I do that, that hour worth of negativity might just disappear! Because how much of it was really necessary anyway?

Natural Life Goal of the Week? (I'll think of a better name): Cloth wipes. I already have a lot of scraps from starting my t-shirt quilt; all I need to do is bring them from my parents' house and figure out the spray!

Maybe next month starting my birthday week I will write out a few months worth of goals. Nope. Next month I WILL write out a few months of goals, then go back and check them off (or not) each week. Okay. Sounds like a plan! See you then! ;)

Baby #2

JUST KIDDING!!! But it's related.

Well, I'll slap this up there just to catch the tail end... 
As excited as I am about NFP Awareness Week, I was torn about writing an NFP post... until I read this one by Kendra at Catholic All Year. Her post helped me realize that even if you're not currently practicing it to a "t," you're still allowed to write about it!

Bryant and I have recently re-discussed (or re-re-re-re-discussed) our current reasons to use NFP to postpone pregnancy. (I know the term is "avoid," but I prefer postpone, at least for our situation.) And, while our savings account is closer to replacing an appliance or two than ready for a down payment on a house, we've decided to take a break from charting. (Notice I didn't say NFP in general.) Our method right now is taking advantage of the ecological breastfeeding side effect of prolonged infertility. That could end in two and a half months (the point at which it starts to decrease from 99% effectiveness), ten months (the average length of infertility for women who practice ecological breastfeeding), or four years! (Sound unlikely, but apparently happens for a few women?) While ecological breastfeeding for the sake of infertility could be done with a contraceptive mindset as easily as NFP, it is another method that is accepted, and even encouraged by the Church (not well, obviously).

When Bryant and I were engaged, I just assumed we needed to learn NFP and we would use it to postpone at least the first couple years of marriage. (The typical, responsible things all young, married Catholics right out of college do.) We went to all our FertilityCare (Creighton Model) meetings, got used to the charting, and, at the end of each meeting when our practitioner always asked how we planned to use the method once we were married, we answered "to avoid pregnancy."
Then came the honeymoon.
And I hate to say it that way, because even at the time, I was concerned what people would think. So just to get it out there: no! Joshua was not conceived in a moment of unthinking, honeymoon-induced passion. There, I said it. As a matter of fact, (TMI alert!!! Skip to the next paragraph if you don't want to know...) I had my first fertile sign of that cycle on the wedding day, so, poor Bryant, as responsible NFP practicers, we did not have a "wedding night" in that sense.

But anyway. Little did I know, although we had discussed and discussed (how much I had always wanted a baby, how we felt it would be a good idea to get out of debt before I got pregnant...), Bryant wasn't as on board with the "me-teaching-two-years-and-paying-everything-off-first" idea. (And how glad I am!) Being such a considerate and patient husband already (three days into it) he waited until we were well into the relaxation of the honeymoon to spring the idea of NOT waiting on me. Ha. Haha. Something I didn't even know about myself: after making and rearranging my pros and cons lists (by worldly priority, and spiritual, and who knows what all else), I came around to Bryant's way of thinking, and "stress-watched" TV. You know how some people "stress-eat" or "stress-sleep"? Well, I turn my brain off by watching stupid TV shows. I think it was King of Queens. Good times.

To be clear, Bryant's way of thinking was simply this: we didn't have a serious reason to postpone. If you couldn't tell by the prior reference to list-making, I'm a planner. I organize, I talk things out, I rearrange, I schedule. (If only I had the follow-through! But I'm working on it.) In my mind, having a plan was enough of a serious reason! But, thankfully, Bryant helped me understand that this was a God-inspired idea (as if you couldn't tell that just by looking at Josh). And so our "how we planned to use the method" changed.

Nine months later! Isn't he cute? 

Coming back to the present... I can tell you, trying to do Natural Family Planning (of any kind) while breastfeeding is difficult. Add to it the challenge I already had of a "continuous mucus cycle" that didn't respond to a super-vitamin or progesterone, and you have one frustrated mommy!  At our first NFP meeting after Josh was born, I had just learned about ecological breastfeeding and was all gung-ho about wanting to find out when my fertility would return. I wanted to know if I would be the typical fourteen months, or longer, or shorter, or way longer... and I "thought" that was a serious enough reason to "use the method to postpone." (Of course, you all reading this probably can recognize the flaw in my train of thought.) The Catholic Church states (2368) that married couples can use Natural Family Planning to space children for "just" (serious, grave) reasons. Well, let me tell you, if money's not a serious enough reason for us (at this time), then waiting for my fertility to return is certainly superfluous! 
But what brought me to this conclusion (if you didn't get the drift, Bryant is always waiting on me- in more ways than this!) was my emotions! As women, we're always fighting to control them, to eliminate the negative ones, to hide them... but here's an example of a negative one that wasn't just there to annoy me. I mentioned earlier that my cycle makes charting difficult, not to mention breastfeeding, and I was frustrated. It's true! Very frustrated. Because it is difficult to find a baseline, and decipher the rest of everything, and I am still not expecting my fertility to return for at least two more months (via the 99% statistic). So I was frustrated. I realized (by the grace of God- I hadn't really brought it to prayer, but He brought it to me!) that my emotions were telling me something. NFP is such a great tool, and it does so many good things for marriages, and infertility, why in the world would I (gasp!) hate it? Well, I came to the conclusion that I *should* feel thankful. And if we had been using it for a just, grave, serious reason (like health, or dire financial straits, or whatever situation), I WOULD feel thankful. I would tell God "Thank You" for the method while I was observing and charting, and mean it. I can tell Him "Thank You" now for other people, but not necessarily for me.

In conclusion, NFP is freeing. It's freeing when it's a tool you desperately need to heal your marriage, or support your family, and it's freeing when you realize you really don't need it! And, right now, it's freeing me to worry about other things rather than charting, and freeing our family to be ready for whenever the next blessing comes around! (Hopefully in a package with PINK bows this time, haha.)

The Last Five Years

Hi. My name is Sarah Winslow. In the past year, I have graduated from college, gotten married, taught my first year of second grade, and had a baby!
I was really glad to graduate; college was never really in my plans. In high school I realized "Oh! I guess I had better decide what to do after this," because I had always mentally skipped from high school to marriage. I was bitterly disappointed when my parents and I decided that Benedictine was not financially an option, but in retrospect, I'm very thankful for the people I met at Emporia!
I really enjoyed wedding planning! Well, most of the time. Our day went so smoothly and beautifully; God clearly was all over it. My mom was irreplaceable, too. She was on top of the planning, and on top of me being on top of the planning. Bryant and I are so blessed with the community who supported us throughout our engagement, wedding, and now!
Teaching was... tough. I will admit I could have gone in with a different attitude. If I knew I was going to teach for more than one or two years, I'm sure I would have felt better about it, but I knew Josh was on his way, and my strongest desire was to be home with him. So while I met some really awesome people with whom Bryant and I really hope to stay in contact, I won't say it was my favorite year.
And the baby. Oh, the baby. MAN, I love him. He is the best. :) You know, when they say "Having a baby changes everything," they are not kidding. Literally everything in  my life has changed over the past year, but especially in the past three months. What I wear, what I eat, what I read, what I do in my "spare time" (ha!), even what I think about! And it's also true that I can't even remember what my life was like before we had him. What did we do all the time?
I'll tell you, I have had an incredibly easy life. God knows I'm weak, and has planned accordingly. But as simple as my life has been so far, I am looking forward to this next season even more! I have the most wonderful, supportive husband, an adorable, amazingly sweet baby, and my primary job is to care for them! Yay!

Boobies

From merriam-webster.com:
"Definition of breast
either of the pair of mammary glands extending from the front of the chest in pubescent and adult human females and some other mammals"

Nothing about modesty... lingerie... nothing at all about sex, amazingly enough.

An excerpt from the conversation that spurred this post:

"I nursed (without a cover) in the corner of the bookstore today. It was so nice. I was facing the wall, but still.
...I feel more comfortable with it in public than with family. I've decided my brother can get over it (he has), but I don't feel like I can decide that for Bryant's dad and brother, and my uncles..."

The function of breasts is to nourish and comfort children. (Notice I didn't just say "feed babies," but that's for another post.) We know that by God's obvious design! 

We went to the Guadalupe Clinic Wingnuts baseball game for Father's Day. I'm not going to say it was HOT!, but it was less than comfortable in the shade. Josh wanted to nurse, but how would you feel about drinking in a tiny, steamy tent?
And during my lunch in the hospital cafeteria while visiting Bryant's grandma; that could have been a LOT easier without trying to manage a fork, water bottle cap, napkin, baby, AND cover.

Convenience aside, I came across this poll: http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?p=6637108  but I'm interested in your opinions.

"It's just hard: we want breastfeeding to stop being sexualized, but who's going to do it (for my seminarian brother-in-law) if I don't?
...Is it leading men into a near occasion of sin/temptation? Or is it bringing things back to God's original design? Or both? And which is more important?"

Who doesn't want to see that?

So that is what I'll leave you with...

The Six-Week Guilt

Well, friends, it's been a while. But such is life! Since, though, this particular subject has been weighing on my heart for weeks, and I had a real life request to keep writing (!), here we are.

Don't worry, when I say "six-week," I do NOT mean I'm going to talk about sex. (To those of you for whom that did not come to mind, it's one of the six-week postpartum checkup allowances...) The closest I'll get to that is what I do with my breasts all day, lol. And I mean ALL DAY.

Which brings me to our subject for this lovely, rainy morning. As you all know, I've always been a strong advocate for stay-at-home moms (henceforth SAHMs). I think it is the most wonderful gift you can give your children: to be the one who actually raises them! But even with my background and personal experience (my mom stayed home until my sister was in 3rd grade), as that "six-week" mark, the official end of maternity leave, approached, I found myself having second thoughts. Not from my desires- I still want nothing more than to snuggle and admire Joshua all day- but from a sense of responsibility to our community, to the world. "I am an intelligent, creative, sometimes inspirational woman, therefore I should be doing more to contribute to society." Right? Isn't that what we're brought up hearing? "What are you going to be when you grow up?" Or even, "What does God want you to do when you grow up?" Rarely is "Be a mom" an acceptable answer to those questions. And even when I got to the point that I started answering honestly, my answer was "Just be a mom" or something similar. Just? JUST be a mom?

Going back to my breasts... I have a part-time job. Feeding and changing a baby, the bare minimum, is a part-time job. (In other news, I am looking for something flexible, preferably baby-friendly, that I could start in the fall. Any suggestions?) Two-month-old babies still eat at least every three hours, and each feeding can take around an hour. And that's not considering chunker babies like mine (97th percentile in weight!), who also decide to start teething already. Those babies have no problem with eating for two hours at a time, one hour apart, every so often. Math-wise, I'm pretty sure that's a part-time job. (Mental math)...Nope, I'm sorry, I'm incorrect. That's already a full-time job! (Minimum of six, one-hour feedings, seven days a week= 42 hours.) And here I am, feeling guilty that all I get done most days is the dishes, laundry, and dinner. One item off my "Spring Cleaning" list has taken me a week and a half to check off. But you know what? Even with all that, I was still having these feelings of "I should be doing more. I should be working, too." Isn't that what our society says? Be productive, be successful as the world sees it, do more, work faster... And here I thought I was so radical and impervious, just by having the desire to be a SAHM. 

It's one of the lies the devil tells us. He says we're not good enough, we're not doing enough, and God is obviously asking us to be more. That's not true! When we buy into that kind of thinking, it comes to a point where this quote applies: "If you're too busy to pray, you're too busy." (I can't remember where it actually comes from... Does anybody know?) But truly, when we're trying to do more than that to which God has called us, we are going to start doing too much. Now, I'm not saying our circumstances won't change, and God will never call me to work outside the home again (although it'd be nice), but what in the world is wrong with enjoying being a SAHM? Why shouldn't I relax at home with my baby, as long as I'm being a prudent and supportive wife at the same time? Finally, after almost twenty years of going to school all day, every day, I'm truly living my vocation, and I love it! It is enough. I am enough. 

My full-time, excuse me, 24/7 job right now is nurturing a new life, body and soul. Feeding and changing a baby is a full-time job; what I am blessed to get to do is even more. The world gives us this sense of inadequacy if we're not being "productive members of society," and it's difficult for us to rest in our vocations. I'm quite sure Mary never wanted to do more or be more than God called her to; what if she had? We all (particularly me) need to take control of the thoughts that push us out of peace. I know right now Bryant and I are living "the good old days," and I have no intention of wasting them away on these thoughts.

God, help us to be prudent stewards of our thoughts, so they only bring us closer to You.

Joshua Allen's Birth Story and Natural Childbirth

I'm going to be totally honest: I remember very little about Tuesday, April 2, 2013. A) I have a terrible memory in the first place, and B) When women say you forget about the pain of labor as soon as the baby is in your arms, it's true. 

However! There are a few highlights (and lowlights) I'd like to share/record for next time, and for if he ever wants to know. (Not too likely.) 

It started Monday. Had he waited till Wednesday to make his appearance, we would have officially been two weeks "post-date." (Which, let's be for real here, babies cook at different speeds, it's really a due month, so back off, yo.) In any case, because we were "overdue," we went in for a sonogram just to check things out on Monday afternoon. They give a score for the amniotic fluid, the baby's movements, and a few other things, and our technician told us it looked like an 8/8! Sooo we texted a handful of you to say apparently he was going to be in there a while longer (since I hadn't had any contractions at that point), headed to the mall to get new cell phone plans, and got a phone call from our doctor's office. The nurse told me that apparently the doctor who looks back over the ultrasounds was not as happy with our results and gave us a 4/8 instead and we needed to go into the hospital to be induced that night. Hmm, dramatic difference there, wouldn't you say? (And he came out fine, so I'm pretty sure we could have chilled out a bit.) Sooo we spent probably an hour and a half getting our phones set up (I wasn't in a big hurry to be at the hospital), went home to round up the hospital bag(s) and eat something quick, and headed to St. Joe. (Originally we had planned on the Wesley BirthCare Center, but since we were induced and it was our first, we had to go to a hospital anyway.) 

This is the first thing I would remind myself to do differently in the future. At that point, we were obviously trying not to freak out (Oh, my gosh, the baby HAS to be born ASAP!), so I really wanted to finish our task of getting the phones figured out. However, a better plan probably would have been to go home and try some of the natural labor induction techniques we had learned about at our Bradley classes. ALSO I should have eaten more. I knew I should have, but I just wasn't feeling hungry and was in a hurry to get to the hospital by the time we got home, so I just had a few crackers with ham and cheese.

In any case, we made it to the hospital around 8:00, and they inserted Cervadil (meant to get the cervix started; I was barely dilated- which I didn't know, because I didn't want the numbers to be a distraction). It came out halfway through the twelve hours it was supposed to stay in, and Dr. Jensen then recommended Cytotec. Another thing that next time, I'll do more to avoid, but by the grace of God, it did its job safely and kicked me into a normal progression of labor.

Obviously after a great night's rest (ha!), I realized I was having contractions. Some time in the night after the Cytotec was placed, I started feeling crampy, but didn't realize we were on our way until mid-morning. From then on, (as I learned later), I dilated about a centimeter an hour, aided by Bradley relaxation while pacing the room, "slow dancing" with Bryant, leaning over the back of a chair, walking the hall, using the birth ball, and relaxing in the whirlpool. We trusted my body to do its job, and God to get us through safely, and it did and He did! Joshua Allen was born after about fifteen minutes of pushing in the squatting position (NOT lying on my back) at 11:47 P.M. with a head full of hair and ready to try to nurse.

I did skip one part. The part I will DEFINITELY do differently next time. There was an hour and a half in there of trying NOT to push first. The resident checked me and told me I was at a 9, and I needed to wait, and then, when I finally was at a 10, we had to wait another half hour for the doctor. When I was at a 9, my body was 100% ready to push, and next time, if something like that happens, I'm pretty sure I will just tell whoever is in there, "Sorry, not doing that again!" and start pushing, because that was the worst hour and a half of the whole process (I might even say my life!).

Buuuuuuut I still think it's a beautiful story! Bryant and I got to enjoy our baby (I had him skin-to-skin right away) for about an hour while they got me all put back together ("first and a half" degree tear, according to Dr. Jensen) and the room cleaned up (natural childbirth is MESSY and one of the reasons I'm hesitant to consider homebirth, haha), and, SURPRISE, our families were already at the hospital waiting, and had been for hours before we'd even told them to come. Imagine that. But all four grandparents, an aunt, and an uncle all got to see him and hold him before we even moved to the recovery room. 

Side note: we had some EXCELLENT nurses. They were very considerate of our birth plan and our vision of the process, stayed out of the way as much as possible, but were there to support when we wanted them. If we do another hospital birth, we will probably be going to St. Joe again.

Speaking of support, my husband. Bryant not only went to twelve weeks of the Bradley Method classes with me, read his homework, and humored me every time I wanted to go back over some detail of the birth plan, he also was there to truly coach me through each contraction. He reminded me to relax, HOW to relax, different positions to try, and why we were doing this in the first place. He told me how well I was doing and how strong I was (although my response to that at one point was, "I don't want to be strong, I want to be done!"), and pretty much was just awesome. I still don't think I've thanked him well enough.

Other than having a rock star for a husband, if you're wanting to have a natural birth, the two things I can tell you are: 

1. Be informed! Be over-informed! Learn all you can about your body and how it will do its job if you let it. Learn about the "routine interventions" that, sadly, the majority of doctors do but aren't really necessary. We took the Bradley Method classes, which are wonderful and I highly recommend them, but if you can't do that, read "Husband-Coached Childbirth" and "Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way."
2. Have a birth plan. Obviously you can't do number 2 without doing number 1, but having it laid out helps you to have realistic expectations (if you're informed), and gives your hospital staff something concrete to work from. Have your doctor approve your birth plan before you go in to have the baby, so you know everything on it is allowed/not against any policies.

Of course, nobody can promise everything will go according to your birth plan. Being induced definitely wasn't on ours. But when something does need to be altered, it's definitely good to have something to come back to.

And #3 would have to be: Do it!  It's better for your baby and it's better for you, (unless you're the small percentage of actual complications) and it's a real initiation experience into womanhood! Very empowering, and a very huge blessing.

Fulfillment

Being a mom is the best. Don't get me wrong, I love being a wife, but this is a totally new level of vocation. Any of you who know me (and I doubt anyone who doesn't know me is reading this... Yet! Maybe someday I'll become a super popular blogger- ha!) know that I have always wanted to be a mom. Gosh, even I don't remember when that started, but I do know in high school, I used to tell people I wanted "five to eighteen kids, but preferably eight to twelve." Well, folks, one down, four to seventeen to go! Apparently after labor, or with sleep deprivation, a lot of women second guess expanding their families, but honestly, I can't wait to do it again!

I remember in high school, going through the "religious life?" crises that all devout Catholic girls do, and coming up with *reasons* I was called to marriage. We all know God doesn't always work like that, but, hey, it's my personality. Like trying to come up with reasons to defend the way we're choosing to parent, instead of just doing it. But anyway. I came up with things like having a good relationship with my dad and brother (which obviously means I couldn't be a religious... not), and how I'd always loved children (I'd wager that most sisters and nuns love children!), and other silly things like that. Now that I know better... I'm still doing it! Oh, humanity. But this time, it's recognizing ways that God created me to be a mother.

Maybe it's just so that I would have motivation to continue (hoping the next would be as good as this one), but, guys, I wouldn't change a thing about my pregnancy and delivery. Sure, I was exhausted the first trimester (couldn't have had anything to do with the first year of teaching, though), and had some heartburn towards the end, but overall, it was picture perfect. And sure, we had to be induced, and not the ways I would have planned, and natural childbirth is messy and challenging (more on that later), but I truly felt informed and in control of the process, and amazed and how well our bodies work if we just get out of the way. These experiences (along with comments from the doctors and nurses involved) have led me to believe that not only has my heart been primed for motherhood, my body was created for it, too. And yes, every woman's body was created for motherhood, but some of us, God alone knows why, have bodies that embrace it! I had no morning sickness, very slight touches of the other "pregnancy symptoms," nothing at all unbearable. And that may absolutely be because God knows what a weakling I am. Or it may be because once this kid hits toddlerhood or his teens, he'll make up for it. But even now, five and a half weeks into it, I can't imagine anything going any more perfectly or easily. (Labor aside= Not easy!) 

In other words, consolation. Reaffirmation of my vocation. 

I've been thinking about Josh's baptism, when he received his vocation. A quote from one of my favorite movies, When Harry Met Sally: "...when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." I really feel that applies to our vocations, too. When we find out the way God has planned for us to achieve sainthood, we should be excited about it, and ready to start as soon as possible. And even if we're not, sooner or later, we get to the point where I am now and can say, "Sure, my life was great before, but now, WOW! It's going to be awesome!"

"Crunchy"

I recently came across this word in one of our natural childbirth videos, and now I'm hearing it everywhere! I used to call it hippie, and still do sometimes, jokingly, around friends who probably wouldn't recognize "crunchy." If you're one of those people, crunchy refers to people who make natural and/or eco-friendly lifestyle choices.

I'll be honest, our- okay, mostly my- crunchy choices come more from priorities of health and financial stability, rather than concern for the environment. Maybe eventually I'll be more convicted in that area. Bryant is supportive, but he's kind of along for the ride.
I'd say at this point we're beginner or first tier crunchy. Most of the things I'd consider most crunchy about our household have to do with Baby Joshua/parenting. Starting with NFP! I'd consider Natural Family Planning kind of crunchy, considering all the inauthentic options, although of course our motivation for it is more on the moral/spiritual realm. The same with the Bradley Husband-Coached Natural Childbirth Method: we started the classes because I had an emotional desire for a natural birth, not because I necessarily wanted to avoid drugs at all costs. As the classes went, and I became more educated, my motivation widened and deepened, but that's another soapbox! Now, there are all the parenting choices. Cloth diapering, ecological breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping... things that are normal in other cultures, but foreign to us. (I could go on a soapbox on each of those, too, but for now, we'll just make a list.)
Now, I could go either way at this point: all the things I wish we did, or some of the small things we are already doing... I guess I'll start with the worst one: We don't recycle! Gasp! Sooo not crunchy. I used to in Emporia, but since we moved here, I haven't found out where to drop things off and such. Terrible excuse, I know. But I suppose it can go on the short-term goal list.

1. Start recycling again
2. Make laundry detergent
3. Find less scary alternatives to typical household cleaners

Long-term goals... I don't know. I have this huge mind block that says "Buying organic food is too expensive and sometimes unnecessary!" Really, I'd say my goal would be to have a garden and chickens, as much as buying organic produce. To add to the short-term goals, though, we already have a bread machine and pasta maker. I just happen to have never used them yet. 

1. Continue improving food choices (including less going out)

Here's another shocker for you: I still don't know the difference between reducing and reusing! But I do try to avoid plastic water bottles, and I'm good about my reusable shopping bags... donate to Goodwill, shop at garage sales... all the little things that (kind of) add up. But really, who wastes things on purpose?

Anyway, I guess my question is (to borrow from the Sweet Cheeks facebook post): Do you consider yourself crunchy? What are some of your goals for crunchiness?