Judgment: Part I

I have weaknesses. (Not that this is news to anyone.) Ask Bryant or my dad! I am an inconsistent mess when it comes to money management, I procrastinate and never truly do my best on projects (lesson plans, etc.), and I judge. Judging in and of itself is not a flaw! (More on that later.) I absolutely believe human beings are created to judge (right from wrong, safe from dangerous, healthy from unhealthy, etc.), but when it becomes less than charitable or moves from the "sin" to the "sinner," it requires improvement.

Bear with me on a spiritual journey.

I read this "mom blog" post yesterday about why their family chooses to homeschool. She addressed the common myth of socialization, but rather than simply saying "We do all these things/My kids have friends and are not shy" and leaving it at that, she explained why they DON'T want their kids "'socialized' in public school." Her main theme was that different becomes bad ("weird"), and after those experiences, many kids (and adults) live their lives feeling like they have to prove something to the bullies. That resonated very deeply for me. Like many, I had an awful middle school experience. I went to a school where sports were cool and 11-year-olds had "boyfriends." Needless to say, I wasn't involved in any of that. I did dance classes, choir, and Scholar's Bowl and loved going to church camp. And that was how you spelled L-O-S-E-R. My parents did a great job convincing me I was beautiful, smart, and musically talented, but the school atmosphere taught me that it was better to be cute/hot, "cool," and athletic.*

I had a great high school experience. My parents allowed me to choose to go to Bishop Carroll (where I knew a handful of people), and after the first rough weeks of transition, I never looked back. I found people who were interested in some of the things I was interested in (Liturgy Club, choir, etc.) who seemed to like me. It's been a healing process, for sure. I spent years and years secretly wondering if the people who hung out with me really liked me, or if they just put up with me because they had to.

Even now, it's hard for me to think of people I went to middle school with (and more than a few high school classmates) positively. Typically, it's an "Oh, I hope she's changed" or "Ha, I'm married and graduated and they're not." Yes, I understand those are terrible things to think, and I usually feel bad and consider that their paths to holiness are different than mine and try not to be such a... mean-hearted woman. The point is, we're all wounded.

And this is why I judge. My whole life I've had to fight for people to understand that different is okay. That my interests have value. And now, since I'm far from mainstream in my parenting choices, that my decisions are sound. I still have that voice in my head saying "You're not doing what everyone else is doing; you're not like them, so you're different. And different is wrong. Different is bad." I've always had to fight, sometimes other people and their impressions, and sometimes the voice in my head, for "weird" to be "okay."

In the most recent examples, I've heartily researched our parenting decisions. I've researched until I decided there was no better way for us to do the things we are doing. I want people's approval (which I didn't get in middle school), so I think that means they need to make the same choices as me. I'm afraid if we're not "the same," they won't like me.

I know this is somewhat illogical. But it's why, if I'm sharing or explaining something I know is not "normal," I'm already subconsciously defensive. Because I care about you and I want us to be on the same team.

To be continued...

(Aren't you curious where this was going? Me, too. I started it months ago and can't really remember what the conclusion was supposed to be. Any suggestions?)



*I don't EVER want Josh to feel that way. I want him to know that it's AWESOME that God created him to be such a unique blend of baseball/violin/patience/history or tap dancing/math/public speaking/bike riding or whatever he ends up interested in, and that those things are what will make him holy and happy in life. This will, certainly, play into our school decision-making when the time comes.