However.
When it comes to my particular anatomy, I am more than frustrated. A woman's ability to conceive and carry children is part of her innermost identity, and when there are deficiencies or obstacles to her body working properly, it affects more than her physical being. Even with regular recourse to our Creator (as imperfect as it may be), that flaw in her femininity can make maintaining confidence and peace in every area of her life a struggle.
Let's go back a bit.
During our engagement preparation, Bryant and I learned the Creighton Method of Natural Family Planning. And I am so grateful. Through charting, we were able to identify my progesterone deficiency and treat it with a bioidentical supplement (called Prometrium) just in time for the wedding aka honeymoon baby aka our greatest miracle, Josh. Although I had a little trouble accepting the intervention, I am SO incredibly thankful that we did not have to go through the trials many couples face in order to identify low progesterone. The *standard* way of identifying low progesterone is to suffer the loss of at least two babies before a conventional doctor will even consider looking for a cause. God knows I am too weak and sinful (at least so far) to deal well with a tragedy like that, so He allowed us to find and take advantage of NaPro Technology.
Once Josh was born (many of you witnesses can attest to this), our way of life began to change, erring more towards the "natural" side of things. Yes, I became a hippie. We use cloth diapers, see a chiropractor, have all but emptied our home of chemicals, buy mostly organic, and all that jazz. Up until recently, I was holding onto hope that those changes would be enough allow my body to boost and balance its own hormone production.
Unfortunately, that has not been the case. After nineteen months of lactational amenorrhea (Praise God for THAT fantastic design!), I began cycling and thus charting again. One sign of low progesterone I have been observing is a short post-peak phase.
This is where it gets tricky.
Many women experience several odd cycles post-partum before their body regulates itself. This can be either before or after the child has weaned. (Josh is still nursing, which is another active player in the dance of my hormones.) Had I not previously been diagnosed with low progesterone, I wouldn't have given a strange cycle another thought. Because I was, though, the NaPro doctor I had been communicating with gave me a new prescription for Prometrium without even seeing me. And that just rubbed me the wrong way.
In the two years since Josh was born, I have had lots of discussions and done quite a bit of research (not all on facebook mommy groups) about natural hormone balancing. So, clearly, that's the next step for me, right? If only it were that simple.
Medical care providers who are familiar with:
- natural hormone balancing
- natural-term breastfeeding
- Natural Family Planning
are few and far between. May I even say nonexistent? I have had a few suggestions from friends, but so far those have been strikeouts, either because of out-of-network expense (RIDICULOUS! Health insurance is a joke for people who seek alternative options.) or just logistics/lack of experience in this tiny niche. So here I am. Unbalanced. Searching.
I guess the real point of all of this is to ask for prayers. This is another area of my life that has been deeply shaken by this situation. Not that I'm questioning God or faith or anything like that. Just that I'm not even sure what to pray for. Why is it that we fearlessly ask God for spiritual gifts and healing, but when it comes to something like this, we wonder if it is the right thing to ask for? Of course God, my loving Father, desires my body to work as He created it to! My struggle now is accepting the way He has planned for that to happen... A miraculous, instantaneous recovery would be my ideal, of course. But not likely.
Something I've picked up from my Familia training (group for Catholic mothers of young children) is a question to ask in trials. Instead of asking, "Why?" as we are so inclined to do, we should be asking, "How?" How is God asking me to grow from this? In which virtue am I called to grow in this situation?
Maybe I'm supposed to be asking for the humility to accept the Prometrium (which, to me, feels like a band-aid- covering up instead of fixing the problem). Maybe I'm supposed to be asking for self-control to make the harder lifestyle changes that may allow my body to heal itself. (As I sit here eating cookies.) Maybe I just need to grow in patience and trust, that when God has another child to give us (I pray, I PRAY that He does), my body will show us. In any case, I truly appreciate your prayers.
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