Judgment: Part I

I have weaknesses. (Not that this is news to anyone.) Ask Bryant or my dad! I am an inconsistent mess when it comes to money management, I procrastinate and never truly do my best on projects (lesson plans, etc.), and I judge. Judging in and of itself is not a flaw! (More on that later.) I absolutely believe human beings are created to judge (right from wrong, safe from dangerous, healthy from unhealthy, etc.), but when it becomes less than charitable or moves from the "sin" to the "sinner," it requires improvement.

Bear with me on a spiritual journey.

I read this "mom blog" post yesterday about why their family chooses to homeschool. She addressed the common myth of socialization, but rather than simply saying "We do all these things/My kids have friends and are not shy" and leaving it at that, she explained why they DON'T want their kids "'socialized' in public school." Her main theme was that different becomes bad ("weird"), and after those experiences, many kids (and adults) live their lives feeling like they have to prove something to the bullies. That resonated very deeply for me. Like many, I had an awful middle school experience. I went to a school where sports were cool and 11-year-olds had "boyfriends." Needless to say, I wasn't involved in any of that. I did dance classes, choir, and Scholar's Bowl and loved going to church camp. And that was how you spelled L-O-S-E-R. My parents did a great job convincing me I was beautiful, smart, and musically talented, but the school atmosphere taught me that it was better to be cute/hot, "cool," and athletic.*

I had a great high school experience. My parents allowed me to choose to go to Bishop Carroll (where I knew a handful of people), and after the first rough weeks of transition, I never looked back. I found people who were interested in some of the things I was interested in (Liturgy Club, choir, etc.) who seemed to like me. It's been a healing process, for sure. I spent years and years secretly wondering if the people who hung out with me really liked me, or if they just put up with me because they had to.

Even now, it's hard for me to think of people I went to middle school with (and more than a few high school classmates) positively. Typically, it's an "Oh, I hope she's changed" or "Ha, I'm married and graduated and they're not." Yes, I understand those are terrible things to think, and I usually feel bad and consider that their paths to holiness are different than mine and try not to be such a... mean-hearted woman. The point is, we're all wounded.

And this is why I judge. My whole life I've had to fight for people to understand that different is okay. That my interests have value. And now, since I'm far from mainstream in my parenting choices, that my decisions are sound. I still have that voice in my head saying "You're not doing what everyone else is doing; you're not like them, so you're different. And different is wrong. Different is bad." I've always had to fight, sometimes other people and their impressions, and sometimes the voice in my head, for "weird" to be "okay."

In the most recent examples, I've heartily researched our parenting decisions. I've researched until I decided there was no better way for us to do the things we are doing. I want people's approval (which I didn't get in middle school), so I think that means they need to make the same choices as me. I'm afraid if we're not "the same," they won't like me.

I know this is somewhat illogical. But it's why, if I'm sharing or explaining something I know is not "normal," I'm already subconsciously defensive. Because I care about you and I want us to be on the same team.

To be continued...

(Aren't you curious where this was going? Me, too. I started it months ago and can't really remember what the conclusion was supposed to be. Any suggestions?)



*I don't EVER want Josh to feel that way. I want him to know that it's AWESOME that God created him to be such a unique blend of baseball/violin/patience/history or tap dancing/math/public speaking/bike riding or whatever he ends up interested in, and that those things are what will make him holy and happy in life. This will, certainly, play into our school decision-making when the time comes.

Dear Hunter Hayes, You suck.

I'm sorry, Hunter; really it's not your fault. You're just internalizing and regurgitating the fluffiness our society has fed you. If you haven't heard his song "I Want Crazy," it's pretty catchy, but full of bad theology.

The song is about infatuation. I'm not against infatuation! It's a fun season, and, let's be honest, makes high school a little more bearable. What I have a problem with is that for so many infatuation is where it ends. Please, name for me a chick flick that doesn't end before the honeymoon's over. It ends with "Oh, my gosh, you're so wonderful, we're meant to be together, mush mush mush." Now, I love emotion and sappiness as much as the next girl (and probably cry about it more than the next girl), but it's NOTHING next to the love God expects of us.

I have a few single friends I've talked to lately about this. Sure, I "had my heart broken," but I've always felt I had (sometimes WAY deep down) a pretty good outlook on relationships. And I can tell you why.
As far back as I can remember, my dad would tell me to "save my heart for my husband." Introducing emotional chastity before it becomes an issue was incredibly healthy for me. He also told me (several times; he repeats himself, like most dads) about a girl he had dated before my mom with whom he still believed he could have had a happy marriage. How unromantic! For the longest time, I thought that was offensive to my mom. I understand now, but as little as I understood then, it helped develop my subconscious unbelief in "soul mates." I still don't believe you can marry the wrong person. You can definitely discern badly and marry someone who will make your life more difficult than necessary.

Here comes a lot of honesty. My relationship with Bryant began with me being pursued. It didn't start with me thinking, "Oh, he's so dreamy and cute blah blah blah" and wondering if he was ever going to call me. As a matter of fact, by society's standards, our "love story" was pretty boring. We were friends, he asked me (and my dad) if we could date. We got engaged, got married, had a baby... History! Like I said, my outlook on relationships, being as realistic as a blue girl can be, prepared me for a "boring" relationship.

It's never felt boring, BUT it's very rarely felt like a pop song or a chick flick. I've heard of those being called "porn for girls," and I 100% agree with that! The picture of a relationship being dramatic and based on emotions and "romance" is NOT what girls today need, especially with people starting to date younger and younger.

Relationships should not be "crazy," as Hunter describes as desirable. Relationships should be based on a shared relationship with God and the potential spouses' families, and a mutual commitment to similar priorities and goals. And, of course, most of all, a desire for the other's holiness and eternal happiness (heaven). Early in life, girls should be influenced by the way their mother respects their father, and gives him respect even if he doesn't always deserve it. Young boys should be impressed by the love with which their fathers treat their mothers, giving an example of true masculinity the way God intended it: protecting and providing for their wives, physically AND emotionally. And, of course, vice versa. Marriage is the prime example of God's love for His people and Jesus' relationship with the Church; how much high-school relationship material do you see in those?

I guess what I'm saying is boring is exciting and holy. Crazy is temporary and unsatisfying. You get me?