Judgment: Part I

I have weaknesses. (Not that this is news to anyone.) Ask Bryant or my dad! I am an inconsistent mess when it comes to money management, I procrastinate and never truly do my best on projects (lesson plans, etc.), and I judge. Judging in and of itself is not a flaw! (More on that later.) I absolutely believe human beings are created to judge (right from wrong, safe from dangerous, healthy from unhealthy, etc.), but when it becomes less than charitable or moves from the "sin" to the "sinner," it requires improvement.

Bear with me on a spiritual journey.

I read this "mom blog" post yesterday about why their family chooses to homeschool. She addressed the common myth of socialization, but rather than simply saying "We do all these things/My kids have friends and are not shy" and leaving it at that, she explained why they DON'T want their kids "'socialized' in public school." Her main theme was that different becomes bad ("weird"), and after those experiences, many kids (and adults) live their lives feeling like they have to prove something to the bullies. That resonated very deeply for me. Like many, I had an awful middle school experience. I went to a school where sports were cool and 11-year-olds had "boyfriends." Needless to say, I wasn't involved in any of that. I did dance classes, choir, and Scholar's Bowl and loved going to church camp. And that was how you spelled L-O-S-E-R. My parents did a great job convincing me I was beautiful, smart, and musically talented, but the school atmosphere taught me that it was better to be cute/hot, "cool," and athletic.*

I had a great high school experience. My parents allowed me to choose to go to Bishop Carroll (where I knew a handful of people), and after the first rough weeks of transition, I never looked back. I found people who were interested in some of the things I was interested in (Liturgy Club, choir, etc.) who seemed to like me. It's been a healing process, for sure. I spent years and years secretly wondering if the people who hung out with me really liked me, or if they just put up with me because they had to.

Even now, it's hard for me to think of people I went to middle school with (and more than a few high school classmates) positively. Typically, it's an "Oh, I hope she's changed" or "Ha, I'm married and graduated and they're not." Yes, I understand those are terrible things to think, and I usually feel bad and consider that their paths to holiness are different than mine and try not to be such a... mean-hearted woman. The point is, we're all wounded.

And this is why I judge. My whole life I've had to fight for people to understand that different is okay. That my interests have value. And now, since I'm far from mainstream in my parenting choices, that my decisions are sound. I still have that voice in my head saying "You're not doing what everyone else is doing; you're not like them, so you're different. And different is wrong. Different is bad." I've always had to fight, sometimes other people and their impressions, and sometimes the voice in my head, for "weird" to be "okay."

In the most recent examples, I've heartily researched our parenting decisions. I've researched until I decided there was no better way for us to do the things we are doing. I want people's approval (which I didn't get in middle school), so I think that means they need to make the same choices as me. I'm afraid if we're not "the same," they won't like me.

I know this is somewhat illogical. But it's why, if I'm sharing or explaining something I know is not "normal," I'm already subconsciously defensive. Because I care about you and I want us to be on the same team.

To be continued...

(Aren't you curious where this was going? Me, too. I started it months ago and can't really remember what the conclusion was supposed to be. Any suggestions?)



*I don't EVER want Josh to feel that way. I want him to know that it's AWESOME that God created him to be such a unique blend of baseball/violin/patience/history or tap dancing/math/public speaking/bike riding or whatever he ends up interested in, and that those things are what will make him holy and happy in life. This will, certainly, play into our school decision-making when the time comes.

Dear Hunter Hayes, You suck.

I'm sorry, Hunter; really it's not your fault. You're just internalizing and regurgitating the fluffiness our society has fed you. If you haven't heard his song "I Want Crazy," it's pretty catchy, but full of bad theology.

The song is about infatuation. I'm not against infatuation! It's a fun season, and, let's be honest, makes high school a little more bearable. What I have a problem with is that for so many infatuation is where it ends. Please, name for me a chick flick that doesn't end before the honeymoon's over. It ends with "Oh, my gosh, you're so wonderful, we're meant to be together, mush mush mush." Now, I love emotion and sappiness as much as the next girl (and probably cry about it more than the next girl), but it's NOTHING next to the love God expects of us.

I have a few single friends I've talked to lately about this. Sure, I "had my heart broken," but I've always felt I had (sometimes WAY deep down) a pretty good outlook on relationships. And I can tell you why.
As far back as I can remember, my dad would tell me to "save my heart for my husband." Introducing emotional chastity before it becomes an issue was incredibly healthy for me. He also told me (several times; he repeats himself, like most dads) about a girl he had dated before my mom with whom he still believed he could have had a happy marriage. How unromantic! For the longest time, I thought that was offensive to my mom. I understand now, but as little as I understood then, it helped develop my subconscious unbelief in "soul mates." I still don't believe you can marry the wrong person. You can definitely discern badly and marry someone who will make your life more difficult than necessary.

Here comes a lot of honesty. My relationship with Bryant began with me being pursued. It didn't start with me thinking, "Oh, he's so dreamy and cute blah blah blah" and wondering if he was ever going to call me. As a matter of fact, by society's standards, our "love story" was pretty boring. We were friends, he asked me (and my dad) if we could date. We got engaged, got married, had a baby... History! Like I said, my outlook on relationships, being as realistic as a blue girl can be, prepared me for a "boring" relationship.

It's never felt boring, BUT it's very rarely felt like a pop song or a chick flick. I've heard of those being called "porn for girls," and I 100% agree with that! The picture of a relationship being dramatic and based on emotions and "romance" is NOT what girls today need, especially with people starting to date younger and younger.

Relationships should not be "crazy," as Hunter describes as desirable. Relationships should be based on a shared relationship with God and the potential spouses' families, and a mutual commitment to similar priorities and goals. And, of course, most of all, a desire for the other's holiness and eternal happiness (heaven). Early in life, girls should be influenced by the way their mother respects their father, and gives him respect even if he doesn't always deserve it. Young boys should be impressed by the love with which their fathers treat their mothers, giving an example of true masculinity the way God intended it: protecting and providing for their wives, physically AND emotionally. And, of course, vice versa. Marriage is the prime example of God's love for His people and Jesus' relationship with the Church; how much high-school relationship material do you see in those?

I guess what I'm saying is boring is exciting and holy. Crazy is temporary and unsatisfying. You get me?

Progress

I just want to take a moment to celebrate baby steps. (No, not literally; we've got a few months yet for that!) I went to the Farmers' Market and Dillons today and came home with hormone- and antibiotic-free beef and chicken, selectively organic produce, no bread products (because I'm making them at home), and just a handful of other items. This is a huge transformation from not too many months ago when we were buying frozen meals and canned goods (which I now try to make myself, as well). I'm just really proud of the work I've done to help my family be good stewards of our bodies. I know winter will make it more of a challenge, but I'm taking advantage of this moment to just be thankful.

Goals

I love everything about being a mom. Including the "I had something I wanted to write about the other day, but Josh started having more trouble with his teething so I totally forgot," and other excuses. But especially waking up from co-naps on warm days and just having that really good nap/cuddle feeling.
Oh! I think it was goals. Goals are what I was going to talk about.

It's crazy, how your productivity and outlook changes when you have a little person for whom you are solely (while Dad's at work) responsible. To be honest, I still have a lot of goals. I just don't really put them in unnecessary time frames anymore. I used to have this crazy organization in which I had a list of urgent and flexible to-dos, and sometimes specific times to do them, etc. Now, my main goal for the day is to drink enough water. Did you know people are supposed to drink half an ounce of water for every pound they weigh every day? And I'll tell you, that put me close to 100 oz. of water when I was pregnant. It's a lot, lot more than "they" say: "8 cups." (Well, unless you're my mom or my friend Angelica who actually weigh less than 120 lbs. In any case, I've been doing well on that these past couple days because I have a 33.8 oz smartwater bottle and I just tell myself I need to drink about three of them a day. (No, I don't still weigh 180-something; the extra is for nursing.) Isn't it interesting how one tiny thing can make a big difference? The water has been one of my goals, gosh, for several years now. It was a New Year's resolution, then more recently a pregnancy thing, and now a nursing thing. But maybe I've actually got the hang of it now? We'll see.

Other than that, my goal is to serve my husband and raise a holy child (or twelve).Some days that means having a nice dinner started by the time Bryant gets home, and some days it just means feeding a baby off and on for the whole afternoon. Yesterday and today I've been able to do both of those! However, I have not been to the store for over two and a half weeks...

This could be one of those blog posts that goes on and on. I don't even remember when I started it, but it'd definitely been a draft for more than just a couple weeks.

In other news, I'm eating leftover shrimp that I just microwaved. Keeping it classy, yo.

So since this post apparently had a point earlier, I'll get back to it. I came across something somebody posted a couple days ago that said (lots of good things, but this is what I remember) "Change one thing a week." I'm applying it to my whole "eating organically/living sustainably" shift. Sure, I want grain-fed meat and real, true sugar and a lot less gluten and cloth napkins, "un-paper" towels, wipes, etc... but I sure can't do it all in one day! There are 52 weeks in a year; imagine your life if you changed 52 things by next fall! And, of course, the same applies to virtue. In high school, I was in a group called the "Handmaids of Mary" and we tried to work on one virtue per week. I skimmed over a quote last night from a saint who said something that translated to me as meaning "The worst way to grow in virtue is in a hurry." The "God, I wanted to be perfect yesterday!" mentality, if you will. So, here goes.

Virtue of the Week: Hospitality. I want Bryant to look forward to coming home even more than he does. I will try to greet him with a kiss and a smile, no matter what else has been going on that day, and save the negativity for at least an hour (negativity= challenges of the day, criticisms, things to do, etc.). If I do that, that hour worth of negativity might just disappear! Because how much of it was really necessary anyway?

Natural Life Goal of the Week? (I'll think of a better name): Cloth wipes. I already have a lot of scraps from starting my t-shirt quilt; all I need to do is bring them from my parents' house and figure out the spray!

Maybe next month starting my birthday week I will write out a few months worth of goals. Nope. Next month I WILL write out a few months of goals, then go back and check them off (or not) each week. Okay. Sounds like a plan! See you then! ;)

Baby #2

JUST KIDDING!!! But it's related.

Well, I'll slap this up there just to catch the tail end... 
As excited as I am about NFP Awareness Week, I was torn about writing an NFP post... until I read this one by Kendra at Catholic All Year. Her post helped me realize that even if you're not currently practicing it to a "t," you're still allowed to write about it!

Bryant and I have recently re-discussed (or re-re-re-re-discussed) our current reasons to use NFP to postpone pregnancy. (I know the term is "avoid," but I prefer postpone, at least for our situation.) And, while our savings account is closer to replacing an appliance or two than ready for a down payment on a house, we've decided to take a break from charting. (Notice I didn't say NFP in general.) Our method right now is taking advantage of the ecological breastfeeding side effect of prolonged infertility. That could end in two and a half months (the point at which it starts to decrease from 99% effectiveness), ten months (the average length of infertility for women who practice ecological breastfeeding), or four years! (Sound unlikely, but apparently happens for a few women?) While ecological breastfeeding for the sake of infertility could be done with a contraceptive mindset as easily as NFP, it is another method that is accepted, and even encouraged by the Church (not well, obviously).

When Bryant and I were engaged, I just assumed we needed to learn NFP and we would use it to postpone at least the first couple years of marriage. (The typical, responsible things all young, married Catholics right out of college do.) We went to all our FertilityCare (Creighton Model) meetings, got used to the charting, and, at the end of each meeting when our practitioner always asked how we planned to use the method once we were married, we answered "to avoid pregnancy."
Then came the honeymoon.
And I hate to say it that way, because even at the time, I was concerned what people would think. So just to get it out there: no! Joshua was not conceived in a moment of unthinking, honeymoon-induced passion. There, I said it. As a matter of fact, (TMI alert!!! Skip to the next paragraph if you don't want to know...) I had my first fertile sign of that cycle on the wedding day, so, poor Bryant, as responsible NFP practicers, we did not have a "wedding night" in that sense.

But anyway. Little did I know, although we had discussed and discussed (how much I had always wanted a baby, how we felt it would be a good idea to get out of debt before I got pregnant...), Bryant wasn't as on board with the "me-teaching-two-years-and-paying-everything-off-first" idea. (And how glad I am!) Being such a considerate and patient husband already (three days into it) he waited until we were well into the relaxation of the honeymoon to spring the idea of NOT waiting on me. Ha. Haha. Something I didn't even know about myself: after making and rearranging my pros and cons lists (by worldly priority, and spiritual, and who knows what all else), I came around to Bryant's way of thinking, and "stress-watched" TV. You know how some people "stress-eat" or "stress-sleep"? Well, I turn my brain off by watching stupid TV shows. I think it was King of Queens. Good times.

To be clear, Bryant's way of thinking was simply this: we didn't have a serious reason to postpone. If you couldn't tell by the prior reference to list-making, I'm a planner. I organize, I talk things out, I rearrange, I schedule. (If only I had the follow-through! But I'm working on it.) In my mind, having a plan was enough of a serious reason! But, thankfully, Bryant helped me understand that this was a God-inspired idea (as if you couldn't tell that just by looking at Josh). And so our "how we planned to use the method" changed.

Nine months later! Isn't he cute? 

Coming back to the present... I can tell you, trying to do Natural Family Planning (of any kind) while breastfeeding is difficult. Add to it the challenge I already had of a "continuous mucus cycle" that didn't respond to a super-vitamin or progesterone, and you have one frustrated mommy!  At our first NFP meeting after Josh was born, I had just learned about ecological breastfeeding and was all gung-ho about wanting to find out when my fertility would return. I wanted to know if I would be the typical fourteen months, or longer, or shorter, or way longer... and I "thought" that was a serious enough reason to "use the method to postpone." (Of course, you all reading this probably can recognize the flaw in my train of thought.) The Catholic Church states (2368) that married couples can use Natural Family Planning to space children for "just" (serious, grave) reasons. Well, let me tell you, if money's not a serious enough reason for us (at this time), then waiting for my fertility to return is certainly superfluous! 
But what brought me to this conclusion (if you didn't get the drift, Bryant is always waiting on me- in more ways than this!) was my emotions! As women, we're always fighting to control them, to eliminate the negative ones, to hide them... but here's an example of a negative one that wasn't just there to annoy me. I mentioned earlier that my cycle makes charting difficult, not to mention breastfeeding, and I was frustrated. It's true! Very frustrated. Because it is difficult to find a baseline, and decipher the rest of everything, and I am still not expecting my fertility to return for at least two more months (via the 99% statistic). So I was frustrated. I realized (by the grace of God- I hadn't really brought it to prayer, but He brought it to me!) that my emotions were telling me something. NFP is such a great tool, and it does so many good things for marriages, and infertility, why in the world would I (gasp!) hate it? Well, I came to the conclusion that I *should* feel thankful. And if we had been using it for a just, grave, serious reason (like health, or dire financial straits, or whatever situation), I WOULD feel thankful. I would tell God "Thank You" for the method while I was observing and charting, and mean it. I can tell Him "Thank You" now for other people, but not necessarily for me.

In conclusion, NFP is freeing. It's freeing when it's a tool you desperately need to heal your marriage, or support your family, and it's freeing when you realize you really don't need it! And, right now, it's freeing me to worry about other things rather than charting, and freeing our family to be ready for whenever the next blessing comes around! (Hopefully in a package with PINK bows this time, haha.)

The Last Five Years

Hi. My name is Sarah Winslow. In the past year, I have graduated from college, gotten married, taught my first year of second grade, and had a baby!
I was really glad to graduate; college was never really in my plans. In high school I realized "Oh! I guess I had better decide what to do after this," because I had always mentally skipped from high school to marriage. I was bitterly disappointed when my parents and I decided that Benedictine was not financially an option, but in retrospect, I'm very thankful for the people I met at Emporia!
I really enjoyed wedding planning! Well, most of the time. Our day went so smoothly and beautifully; God clearly was all over it. My mom was irreplaceable, too. She was on top of the planning, and on top of me being on top of the planning. Bryant and I are so blessed with the community who supported us throughout our engagement, wedding, and now!
Teaching was... tough. I will admit I could have gone in with a different attitude. If I knew I was going to teach for more than one or two years, I'm sure I would have felt better about it, but I knew Josh was on his way, and my strongest desire was to be home with him. So while I met some really awesome people with whom Bryant and I really hope to stay in contact, I won't say it was my favorite year.
And the baby. Oh, the baby. MAN, I love him. He is the best. :) You know, when they say "Having a baby changes everything," they are not kidding. Literally everything in  my life has changed over the past year, but especially in the past three months. What I wear, what I eat, what I read, what I do in my "spare time" (ha!), even what I think about! And it's also true that I can't even remember what my life was like before we had him. What did we do all the time?
I'll tell you, I have had an incredibly easy life. God knows I'm weak, and has planned accordingly. But as simple as my life has been so far, I am looking forward to this next season even more! I have the most wonderful, supportive husband, an adorable, amazingly sweet baby, and my primary job is to care for them! Yay!

Boobies

From merriam-webster.com:
"Definition of breast
either of the pair of mammary glands extending from the front of the chest in pubescent and adult human females and some other mammals"

Nothing about modesty... lingerie... nothing at all about sex, amazingly enough.

An excerpt from the conversation that spurred this post:

"I nursed (without a cover) in the corner of the bookstore today. It was so nice. I was facing the wall, but still.
...I feel more comfortable with it in public than with family. I've decided my brother can get over it (he has), but I don't feel like I can decide that for Bryant's dad and brother, and my uncles..."

The function of breasts is to nourish and comfort children. (Notice I didn't just say "feed babies," but that's for another post.) We know that by God's obvious design! 

We went to the Guadalupe Clinic Wingnuts baseball game for Father's Day. I'm not going to say it was HOT!, but it was less than comfortable in the shade. Josh wanted to nurse, but how would you feel about drinking in a tiny, steamy tent?
And during my lunch in the hospital cafeteria while visiting Bryant's grandma; that could have been a LOT easier without trying to manage a fork, water bottle cap, napkin, baby, AND cover.

Convenience aside, I came across this poll: http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?p=6637108  but I'm interested in your opinions.

"It's just hard: we want breastfeeding to stop being sexualized, but who's going to do it (for my seminarian brother-in-law) if I don't?
...Is it leading men into a near occasion of sin/temptation? Or is it bringing things back to God's original design? Or both? And which is more important?"

Who doesn't want to see that?

So that is what I'll leave you with...